Friday, July 20, 2007

The Black Hole of Volupte

I have had my suspicions for a while now, and the evidence is mounting...

Deep in the underbelly of Holborn's favourite cabaret and burlesque club, there lurks a Black Hole.

Perhaps I have been watching too much Doctor Who (in fact, I know I've been watching too much Doctor Who... god bless broadband) but there is definitely something spooky going on down there...

It all started with Connie Vanderlay's watch, which mysteriously vanished from the dressing room. Then Earl Mysterio reported that his entire music folder had disappeared. And then I discovered that I'd lost my diamond ring. I never lose my diamonds - as anyone familiar with my act will know, my diamonds are very precious to me and i keep them close to my heart at all times. They may not be real diamonds, but that's not their fault. I can only conclude that a supernatural force has been at work.

I mentioned this Black Hole thesis to Bobby Fresh a few days ago, and he revealed that Volupte had also swallowed up one roll of gaffer tape and two felt-covered mallets (which are apparently for hitting drums with).

A watch, a folder full of chord charts, a diamond ring, a roll of gaffer tape and two mallets. What strange device is our supernatural foe creating in its underworld lair?

And then the text came today from club owner Miss Kuki Labelle informing me that her laptop computer had also mysteriously disappeared from Volupte's subterranean depths.

Which means that the Creature from the Black Hole is now online, and is probably reading this blog entry right now... which means it knows I'm onto it.

Which means that next time I descend the staircase into Volupte's basement, I might never come back up again...



Thursday, July 05, 2007

more jazz injuries

Having said i'd never heard of such a thing as a jazz injury shortly before our trombone maestro Sir Fitroy Callow fell down the Volupte stairs, I've just thought of another jazz injury:

I've got one front tooth that is yellower than the other. My dentist told me that it is actually dead because I've knocked it.

It took me ages to figure out when I'd knocked my front tooth. And then one day I got over excited while I was singing at a gig and whacked my teeth on the microphone - and remembered that I'd done that quite often before in the past.

So there you have it. My jazz singing has actually killed one of my front teeth.

Who'd have thought jazz could be so perilous?