A new service for the lovelorn and the romantically confused of the capital, Tricity Vogue's Agony Corner made its debut at last week's Valentine Hangover gig.
For those of you who were too emotionally exhausted after Valentine's Day to attend, here are the letters Honey Mink read out, and Tricity's wise replies.
And remember, Miss Vogue will be back soon with more invaluable romantic advice, so if you have a problem, if no one else can help, then why not write to Tricity?
agony@tricityvogue.com
xxx
TRICITY,
I WANT TO DRESS JUST LIKE YOU! I LOVE AND ADMIRE YOUR CLOTHES SENSE, AND S W O O N OVER YOUR OUTFITS. WHERE CAN I FIND AMAZING GARMENTS LIKE YOURS, AND DO THEY DO MEN'S SIZES?
"GORDON"
Dear Gordon
The advantage of hand-made original couture like mine and Honey's is that it comes in any size. As a man, you have to potential to look quite striking in an evening gown, having the advantage of height on your side.
However I'm afraid I can't pass on the details of my personal couturier to you. I can't risk you looking better in the gowns than I do.
Yours, Tricity
Dear Tricity
I am planning on seducing my Polish builder. Any tips?
Yours in lust, "Felicity"
Dear Felicity
Fraternising with workmen can be a perilous business, but if you really can't resist, at least make sure he's finished grouting your brickwork first.
I myself am still smarting from an ill-fated affair with an electrician – on our first date he turned up two hours late, didn't have any of the appropriate tools, left the job half-finished, promised to come back another day, and never showed his face again.
If you must dabble with the trades, look for a plumber. And when you find one, give me his number.
Love Tricity
Dear Tricity,
I wonder if you could help me? I have a personal problem. The Transhetrodyne Amplifier on my Servo Relay for the Sub section I am in charge of keeps going into Secondary phasing. What would you recommend, to reverse this trend in a three year old module.
Thanks, Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous
Ask a boy.
Love Tricity
Dear Tricity.
My friend's in love with the guy in the coffee bar. Her problem is she doesn't like coffee. She said "I'll have a tea" - he heard "latte". Now every day she goes in, he gets the latte ready. And she can't say anything because he makes a real effort with patterns in the milk. What does she do? If she tells him the truth - is he going to think she's weird? If they get together ever - will she have to drink coffee all the time?
Yours sincerely. A Friend.
Dear Friend
Probably, yes.
If you don't like coffee, don't look for love in a coffee bar.
Tell your friend to go and hang out somewhere full of things she does like instead – like Tiffany's for example - then she's got a chance of meeting a man who'll make her the kind of love offerings she can appreciate.
Patterns in the milk? What's that about?
Tricity
xx
Dear Tricity
My latest squeeze just dumped me even though he really liked me. I know he really liked me because he said he did – every time I asked him, which was at least once every ten minutes when we were out together. How is a girl supposed to cope when men give out such mixed messages?
yours, Baffled
Dear Baffled
I think I know where you went wrong here.
Never ask a man a question he can't answer. Men will do anything rather than admit their own ignorance – and that includes doing a runner.
In your case, the question 'Do you like me?' was clearly too complicated for the poor boy.
I once made a similar mistake myself when I asked the man I was seeing "Why don't you leave your wife and spend your money on me instead?"
Nowadays I try not to ask men any questions at all if I can help it. It's safer.
Yours, Tricity
TRICITY,
I AM 22 YEARS OLD AND HAVE NEVER BEEN WITH A LADY. I BELIEVE THAT MY WEIGHT AND SPOTS PUT THEM OFF, BUT PERHAPS IT'S THE PICTURES OF WOMEN IN MY ROOM. MY MOTHER DYED LAST YEAR, AND DOES NOT SUIT HER NEW RINSE. I AM BORED WITH LIFE AND WILL END IT ALL UNLESS I FIND A BRUNETTE LIKE YOU. DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
CLIVE.
Dear Clive
Although I would love to go on a date with you I'm afraid I'm going to be in washing my hair for the next ten years. However, my friend Honey Mink might have an evening free.
Yours, Tricity
Dear Tricity
I am an attractive 25 year old woman, and I feel time is running out for me. I have a number of male suitors but none of them have the income to keep me in the manner that a woman of my attributes deserves. I think I'm looking for love in the wrong places. How can I find a rich husband?
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte
Has your financial adviser introduced you to the concept of long-term investment? Make it clear to your suitors that you require them to amass large amounts of dosh in order to win your heart, and send them out into the world to make their fortunes, promising them a sound romantic return for their labours.
Then when they trot back to you, wads of cash in hand, you can pick the most loaded to be your lucky groom.
This strategy always works for the princess in fairy stories.
Love
Tricity
Dear Tricity
I went on holiday and met the most marvellous girl. We sat on the beach and she wore flipflops and scruffy clothes. Since I am quite scruffy myself I thought we were a perfect match. Imagine my horror when we returned to London and she started dressing up in the most over-the-top costumes and make-up as a homage to you. I am quite shy and gentle by nature and find her vampishness quite intimidating and unsettling. Please advise.
Liam
Dear Liam
Stop whining and buy a dinner jacket.
Yours, Tricity
